A lot of things have brought me to this point.
For those of you who have known me for a long time, you know that I have fallen into the obese category since I was about ten years old. I come from a background of women who are in great shape, if you take great to mean large and concede that round is, in fact, a shape.
I've never been all that unhappy with my body. My size did not keep me from years and years of ballet classes in tights and leotards; recitals in short tutus. I had no shortage of dating options and never really went through any self-loathing or drastic attempts to change myself. I didn't really accept any limitations when it came to things that sensible fat girls don't do: rock climbing, swimming, roller coasters, yoga classes, home improvement, swinging at the park, chasing kids, teaching dance classes, etc.
But I'm slowing down. I can't exercise like I used to because things hurt. I fell off a ladder eight years ago and my back has never quite been the same. My knees and feet are feeling it. I know my 'normal' day is a lot bouncier and hoppier than most people's 'normal' day, but I'm starting to not quite make it to the end of my day with energy left for my family. I'm looking at 30 more years of my job and, at this weight, it's not going to happen.
I realize I'm looking at this surgery now or knee surgery, back surgery, foot surgery later.
Now, schedule-wise is not a great time. Musicians should not be out of commission at Christmas time. Early next summer would be preferable. However, with sinus surgery earlier this year, I'm not far from my out-of-pocket maximum for the year and have enough left in our FSA to cover it all. So it will cost nothing out of pocket by doing it right now. And, schedule-wise, it's not too bad. It is close enough to the end of the semester that I won't be missing too much. Plus, I will have two weeks of holiday time to recover.
Life-wise now is the time. My kids need a mom with enough energy to keep up with their lives and I need enough energy to have a life of my own. My husband could use a little left to throw his way now and then and would definitely benefit from a hot wife. Melody needs a roller coaster partner whose butt fits in the seats. Since three years of dedicated diet and what exercise I could manage have resulted in a painstakingly slow loss of 19 lbs, I need a different plan of attack. And, life-wise, I'd rather do it sooner than later. I want more years of fit.
I keep trying to imagine what I would look like smaller and I imagine it would look like the me in my head looks. I'm sure I'm not the only one who weighs fifty pounds less in her imagination. It is sometimes a shock when I see myself in a mirror and I don't look like that. And while it would be nice to look like her, it would be even better to feel like she feels.
It's going to be an absolutely awful process, but I'm trying to keep the end in mind.