Offending my friends, one status at a time

After reading several articles and threads on what type of Facebook Friend to NOT become, I was inspired.

I had no idea people were so annoyed by their 'friends' but did not let this deter me and made it my mission in life to commit every possible offense today. Obviously, there were a few limitations. Always aware of my audience, I was not going to do anything wholly offensive like discuss sexual experiences, go overboard with profanity, make racial comments or talk about anything as controversial as if I think Obama should have won the Nobel Peace Prize.

I started off with a everyone's favorite: body functions. I warned my friends as to what was in their future, as I am a good friend.

Post #1: Gretchen just read a lengthy list of things people find annoying in a Facebook Status. My goal in life today is to violate every guideline given. I'll start with, "Last night's high fiber snack left me feeling cleansed and refreshed this morning!"

Then I tried my hand at FaceBoasting with Post #2: Back from a morning of serving God! It's a shame you couldn't all be there! Then had a lunch date with my perfect in every way husband and went organic grocery shopping so that I might nourish my brilliant children as superiorly as possible after I pick them up from private school!

One motto I live by is "Motherhood: it's a competition!" and I incorporated that into Post #3: back from picking up my precious daughters. The private school day is over, now time for unschooling--where the real learning happens! Today, we'll study appropriate interactions with peoples with differences and the literary concept of anthropomorphism.

Yeah, we watched Snow White.

Vaguely passive/aggressive status updates make everyone crazy, right? Post #4: can't believe how people conduct themselves. Why would anyone say that?

Even better are the vaguely passive/aggressive status updates that are clearly pointed toward one's spouse and make it really awkward when you see them at social gatherings. In the interest of keeping it clean, I limited the parameters of Post #5 to say: I thought being married would mean I was never lonely again . . .

That one doubles up as a pathetic cry for help, designed to get your friends to all sit around and support you while spouse-bashing, even though they have absolutely no idea what is going on in your marriage.

You know when you need your friends most in life? When making the simplest of life choices, inspiring Post #6: wonders what she could make for dinner. Also whether she should begin her next series of steps with her left foot or her right. Or if breathing out every time you breathe in is overrated.

How did I ever handle life decisions before I had Facebook friends?

So far, they're just annoying. On the brink of offensive, but mostly just uncomfortable. I decided to kick it up a notch with Post #7: Gretchen xxxx is driving and Post #8: Gretchen xxxx is off to church to worship God. He loves to see me there . . . He loves you, too . . . and forgives you.

Then there are Friends With A Cause (and without a concept of basic grammar) who inspired Post #9: WANTZ TO DEDICATE HER STATUS 2 THE ENVINROMNNETAL MOVEMENT. IF YOU AREE, COPY AND PASTE THIS N2 UR STATUS 2DAY. u can make a differenece! even the little things help . . . Y use 6 squares of TP when 4 will do?

Because no True Believer would ever limit their pushiness to a single status, I followed through with Post #10: I DONT THINK U GUYS ARE GETTING IT. AMERICAN TOILET PAPER IS DRAINING THE WORLD'S RESOURCES. DON;T SQUEEZE THE CHARMIN, YALL.

Then I crammed in a wee bit more TMI with Post #11: My armpits stink. I mean, really, REEEEALLY stink. If you were thinking of dropping by my house tonight . . . don't. Post #12 also gave people something to think about that they did NOT want to think about: Kids are asleep. Time for the grownups to play!

I then took a stab at being the Town Herald. Post #13: OMG BREAKING NEWS! that wrestler guy that always wore the hawaiian shirts. Lou something. You know, the one with the facial hair in that video by tina turner. or was it cyndi lauper. wll, you know who i mean. HE'S DEAD. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? rmemebr you, read it hear frst@!

I realize that this is getting long, so I'll try to sum up Posts #14-#20. I briefly considered joining every mafia and/or farm game to provide updates on every square of corn planted, chicken milked and hit made, but decided instead to completely fill anyone's home page with the results of games (11 million on Chain Rxn) and quizzes (I had a 69% accuracy on naming venomous snakes). I also learned that my Japanese name means 'kind blessing' while my Korean name means 'brave one' and which Spice Girl I am. Yup, you guessed it: Scary Spice. Fine, as long as I'm not Old Spice. The Super Mario Brothers powerup I need is Fire Power and choosing the third option on every question brought someone to the conclusion that Autumn is my season.

No internet interaction can be complete without a chain letter/death threat. Post #21: Hello my name is Louie Byer.Now that you have read my name yo cannot get out.In school i was the misfit.Everyone would beat me up or make fun of me.I died from somebody beating me up a little to hard. Now i seek revenge. Send this post to 5 others or... i willshow up at your house at 3:00 am to kill you...i will come out of the closest mirror tonite.Don't believe me? Well to bad for you you may be the first to die.

I decided that it was time to give it a rest, signing off with Post #22: and thus concludes my attempt to commit every conceivable facebook status offense (that doesn't involve joining a Mafia) with the exception of lurking and never posting, so I'll try that one out tomorrow. I hope you are all inspired, or at least amused enough to not de-friend me.


Anonymous said...

Once upon a time, I had time to check my Facebook account ....

Love ~ ~ Papa

Amy said...

Hahahaha, that was hilarious!!! I love reading your blog :)

Monica said...

Excellent job...I'm thoroughly annoyed and offended!

mjvaughans said...

You kill me! See why I say "no" to facebook? But a good twitter...

Brandy said...

Thanks for the laugh. =0)

Lora said...

I have to say, as someone who saw the discussion and then the posts throughout the day, you had me giggling all day. Thanks for the laugh!

April said...

How in the WORLD did I miss this on FB? No matter. I thoroughly enjoyed reading them all here in one giggle-and-tear-laden experience. Really, really funny, Gretchen. Nicely done.

Julie said...

Don't forget to one-up a friend on something as well!