Lost: One Easygoing Baby Boy

If you have found him, please return him to me. You know where to find me.

I have to offer in exchange this duplicate child who is like Charlie in every way, but they totally screwed up the personality on this model. I know it isn't exactly a fair swap, but I have plenty of diaper coupons to sweeten the deal and help in the care of Post-Croup And -Rotovirus Charlie [PCARC].

I am pretty sure I lost him in the hospital, because he is not at all the baby I arrived with. That baby was easygoing and virtually effortless. As long as food was provided on a regular basis and the diaper was quickly changed on an as needed basis, life was fabulous. You could take that kid anywhere. He was self-entertaining, semi-self-feeding and one champ of a sleeper.

This model is none of these things. PCARC wants to be held all day long. And only by a standing person of his choosing. Only he gets really bored hovering 4-ish feet over all the toys so he make movements to indicate that he wants to be set down. Setting him down triggers the little switch mechanisms on the bottom of his feet that activate screaming mode. The only solution to screaming mode is to again pick up said boy child. Who then wants down. Who then forgets why he wanted down in the first place and, thus, the cycle continues. Quite vicious, that cycle.

Additionally, the putting-him-in-the-highchair-with-a-heap-o'- food-mode is no longer working. PCARC wants bottles and lots of them. Sippy cups are no longer an acceptable means of containing liquids (unless they belong to a sister of the original Charlie). He prefers baby food spooned directly into his mouth over little chopped up bits but will accept little chopped up bits as long as only one food item is offered at a time and you do not walk more than eight inches away from the chair, address another person verbally or allow your gaze to wander. PCARC will instantly reject the initial food offering if a second appears, even if it is less pleasing than the first. PCARC will only pick up bits of food for consumption if holding a utensil of his choosing in one hand, even though it is often in no way involved in the actual eating process.

PCARC also finds a great deal of joy in chewing food and adding to that food without actually ever swallowing it. At some point his capacity threshold is reached and his capability to swallow is exceeded, so the food come tumbling and oozing back out of his mouth in a slow grin.

The inability to pinpoint his exact food allergies are not helping any of this.

The last defect of the current inhabitant of my closet is in regards to his sleeping pattern. Charlie is a Cry-It-Out success story. They should put this child on a plaque somewhere. You lay him down, he is asleep. No fuss, no muss, no bother. He sleeps so long and so well that it is actually quite easy to forget his very existence. PCARC begins fussing the moment he sees the hand of the adult carrying him reach for the knob of the closet/nursery because he has wised up to the fact that nothing good happens in that room. That is where the tall people take him to change his clothes, wipe his face, clean his bottom or entrap him heartlessly in the prison they refer to mockingly as a crib.

If you have seen Original Charlie, please return him. My sanity depends on it.