I have figured out why Americans are fat and it isn't what you think. It isn't our fast food and fructose syrup laden diet, it isn't our preference to remain inert by any means necessary, it is the fault of those danged Brownies and their vast conspiracy.
Even their name is a food.
Every October 31st, the gauntlet of gluttony begins as women all over our nation stay up past their children's bedtimes, digging through candy-packed plastic pumpkins, gleaning out the good stuff.
We continue this slow expansion for the next two months, aided by seven types of pie at Thanksgiving and the urge we all have to bake something and share it at Christmas.
Then New Year's hits, we hit the scale and vow to hit the gym. January 1st our budgets and our bellies go on diets as the bills and bellies are shocking to us all that time of year.
About three weeks into the new year, right as we've had time to get good and hungry, these appear:
Yeah. They cost a little too much, are sold by people a little too cute and taste a little too good to ever resist. Their smear campaign derails our every effort and we fail, destined to be fat for another year.