Sick Clavicle

Yesterday, Melody quit ballet in a spectacularly disastrous fashion. Apparently, Dixie decided that she liked the results and attention that Melody got, and decided to try out her methods at gymnastics today.


Given the current prevalence of disease in our household, Dowlan took a sick day and stayed home today. 'Not working' in this particular instance involves being on the phone and/or laptop all day long, dealing with work-related issues, naturally. This did, however, allow me to not drag all three children along to gymnastics.

Dixie, with her boundless energy, is dressed and ready for gymnastics in under three minutes. She is in the van before I have even located pants. She is a girl ready to go. Until we actually arrive at gymnastics, that is. She meanders her way across the 10 foot wide sidewalk between the van and the door. She lollygags as she weaves through the chairs in the parents' waiting room. She stalls at the door. She pouts. The amount of effort being put into this dramatic scene of abandonment is exhausting even to watch. As soon as she is safely within the gym, I head to the grocery store for 42 minutes of childless shopping bliss.

I return with 3 minutes of class remaining. Another Mommy to a Gymnast tells me that Dixie has done basically nothing all class and inquires as to her health. (Lying,) I assure her that Dixie is spreading no germs in the gym, nary a one. She exhales Lysol and instead of saliva she produces Purell. I explain how Melody was recently very successful in ending her brief stint as Reluctant Ballerina and that Dixie is exploring her options. She grins, and nods that knowing nod of a mommy to a fellow dramatic preschooler.

Dixie exits the gym and approaches.
Mommy: Dixie Cat! I hear you didn't do much today.
Dixie: Pause. Sigh. Head drooping and shoulders slumping. I was feeling quite completely a little bit sick.
M, who is avoiding the raised eyebrow of the Other Mommy: Oh, really? I am so sorry to hear that. Where exactly do you feel sick.
Dixie points. Mommy does the 'see, I know what I am doing here' smirk to the Other Mommy, who is now choking back laughter.
M: Oh, Dixie. I am so sorry to hear about this. It is very serious indeed when a little girl is sick in her clavicle. I have never once felt so poorly in my life, as the time my clavicle fell ill.
Other Mommy is now doing that full-body silent laugh that brings on many tears and causes the entire body to shake and chortle. Dixie makes sounds of a girl trying to convince her mommy of the depth and gravity of the situation in her collarbone.
M: I guess it is a shame. Girls With Ill Clavicles can never, ever go to the park with their daddy and sister. I guess we will not meet them there after all. No, I guess we must go straight home and to nap.
D: Oh, but I am feeling so much more better now Mommy!
M: Really? Well, in that case, Mommy has ever so many errands to run. I guess since you aren't about to fall over just yet, you can join me on my errands.
D: But what about the park?
M: Oh, no. we could never risk the park in such a condition. But maybe next week, when you have shown me that you are fully recovered by dong your gymnastics, we can see about going then.

Tell me, who is the greatest?