Princess Baby Monkey Girl

Melody once had it perfect. She had a Blanklet. She had a Silly Sucky Thing. She had the convenience of diapers 24/7. She had all-day access to Daddy. Mommy, the overbearing rule-maker and authoritarian dictator went to work for 8 hours a day. It was great.

Then, one day, her horrible Mommy decided to play host to a second parasite. 'Decided' actually might not be all that accurate. More like 'experienced further proof that birth control pills lie to you.' The exact details matter not to Melody. The important thing is that she was being replaced as Baby.

Mommy did horrible things to her. Like make her use the potty. Give up the bottle. Take away the Silly Sucky Thing. Restrict the use of Blanklet to only the bed. Oh, and I forgot to describe the horrors of being expected to sleep through the night in an actual bed. Alone. In the Dark.

It only gets worse. Instead of being carried, she walked. Instead of using the tall people as pack mules, she was expected to carry her own things. She was expected to use things like forks and words like 'please' and 'thank you.'

And then, as the Interloper within Mommy's tummy grew, Mommy became confined to the couch for two months. Mommy became distinctly Not Fun and insisted on watching countless hours of Law and Order. This part, however, had some benefits. There was a lot more 'chicken and a playground' (a.k.a. Chick-Fil-A) and a lot fewer vegetables. The whole bedtime thing became a total joke and Melody did as she pleased.

Then it happened. She was shuffled off to James' house for three whole days and only allowed to see Mommy at the hospital. And there was this pink squirmy mewling thing that she insisted upon holding endlessly. See the following photographic evidence:


To make matters worse, the thing came home and commandeered the lap of mommy. At bedtime one night, Melody claimed that Mommy couldn't read her a book because, "Mommy's lap is full."

Then Daddy went back to work--a phenomena never before known in the life of Melody. She not only had to share mommy, but to relinquish daddy was a horror beyond all horrors. She screamed each day as she left, for an hour each day. She was inconsolable. Sure, Mommy pretended to be fun. Mommy pretended to love her. But if mommy truly loved her, then why did she insist upon dragging that thing everywhere they went?

Fine, Melody said. If you insist on bringing along the baby born from your tummy, then I must have mine too. And Sabrina the Cat came along everywhere (until she was lost in the parking lot between Target and Chick-Fil-A, that is.) Like Charlie, Sabrina was also breastfed.


To deal with all this, Melody pronounced herself Big Sister. And she really was fine.

But a few months later (five, to be exact) Mommy and Daddy had another Great Idea.


A big sister. To be fun. To play with. To share with.

Suddenly, Melody wasn't the biggest. She tried being the baby,

but that job was already filled. What role was left? There was no princess!

So Melody became Princess Baby Monkey Girl. She wears fluffy, fancy dresses every day. She wears tiaras to the grocery store.